Reading the Bans, Trump Style

The following was written by Christina Roessler

I, Donald J. Trump, legitimately elected President of the United States, am establishing a new tradition for my presidency—Reading the Bans. It’s based on a well-established, centuries-old tradition.

Today I, President Donald J. Trump, will begin Reading the Bans my way. Here is my first Baker’s Dozen Bans List:

13. I, President Donald J. Trump, ban anyone from questioning the size of my… hands, EVER. Let me assure you they’re BIG, and you know big hands are indicators of bigness elsewhere. Enough said.

12. I, President Donald J. Trump, ban the manufacture, sale, trade, or display of Donald J. ‘Pumpkinhead’ Trump bobblehead dolls. Don’t even think about them!

11. I, President Donald J. Trump, ban anyone but very rich white men from being in my Cabinet or my Supreme Court. Except when occasionally I choose a very rich white woman or a very rich black man to show how BIG I am.

10.  I, President Donald J. Trump, ban the hiring of White House staff, or the hiring of staff in any agency that I might have to personally show up at, unless those staff members are young, beautiful, and stacked babes.

9.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban Federal Employees, especially staff members of the National Park Service, from tweeting or using social media in any way.

8      Additionally, I, President Donald J. Trump, ban tweeting altogether, for everyone… unless it’s retweeting my tweets.

7.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban Federal Employees from doing any work that involves talking, writing, or in any way engaging in anything remotely related to the actual work for which they were hired.

6.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban pussy hats, pussy posters, and pussy jokes. I am the Pussy-in Chief, so leave the pussy to me!

5.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban all immigrants, unless maybe they’re from Russia, from entering or residing in the United States of America with the exception of immigrants who are willing to work for crazy low wages at Trump enterprises like hotels, casinos, golf courses, and my Ivy League equivalent Universities.

4.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban the use of the word ‘fact' unless it’s a Presidentially-approved fact and has the Donald J. Trump Presidential Stamp of Approval (TM pending). Any so-called fact that does not bear the Presidential Stamp of Approval is not an actual fact, it is an alternate reality—something the user may wish or even think is real but is NOT.

3.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban all photos and articles that call into question the size of the turnout for my inauguration. It was the BIGGEST turnout for an inauguration, coronation, march, or anything else EVER. THE BIGGEST, EVER! And that’s a Presidentially-approved actual FACT.

2.     I, President Donald J. Trump, ban all Federal support for health care. Individuals who get sick and cannot afford health insurance and/or health care should just get over it.

1.      I, President Donald J. Trump, ban all votes in the 2016 Presidential election, as well as in future Presidential elections, that are not votes for me. Any vote that is not for me will be considered fraudulent.

I, President Donald J. Trump, plan to make Reading the Bans a frequent, and signature, feature of my Presidency. All bans are effective immediately. Be assured, these Bans are backed by the full power of my Presidency. Violators should expect swift action and a long stay in a very black site.